Sometimes, when it seems like a relationship has become too unhappy, people take a deep breath and call a couples' counsellor. It's an act of supreme courage! It's also damned scary. But if your relationship has hit the skids and you don't know what else to do, AND, when said relationship means alot to you, you may find yourself on this page.
Here are my ideas about working with couples, and here's a little about the stance that I work from.
First of all, it seems to me that if both people are willing, if the relationship is important to both people, there's practically nothing that can't be fixed.
If one person has lost interest in or commitment to the relationship, there's practically nothing the partner can do, and even less to be done in therapy. Then, couples' therapy may be a process of figuring out the least painful way to separate. It's damage control, and that can be supremely helpful, especially if children are involved.
In between those two situations is ambivalence. You may come to therapy with one or both of you wondering if you want this relationship anymore. In this case, the work is to investigate what's left that's good, what's wrong that may not be fixable, and whether you want to go on or not. On reaching that decision, you may move into a process of separating as healthily as possible, or into committing to work in therapy on your relationship for a specific period of time, to see what can be done to create the life you want together.
Traditional couples' therapy has ignored some extremely important social realities around gender and roles and justice, and because of that, many people have suffered. The form of couples' therapy I practice doesn't ignore the injustices built by social forms into our intimate relationships. Discussions of power in relationship are relevant. Standards of behaviour are high, and fairness and accountability count. And I take sides. I tell people, "At some point, the only thing you may be able to agree on is how pissed off you are with me."
On the other side, I also attend to ways both people have been let down; in childhood, in their learning of what it is to be an adult, in their experience of formative relationships and things that create lasting harm until they're appropriately addressed, like being bullied, scapegoated, or being the "perfect" child in their original family. We learn how to be in relationship from our early family life, and that can cause catastrophe when we try to bring it into our adult relationships.
In therapy, we discard old, unworkable ideas about relating and learn how to be in HEALTHY relationship to our partners. It is partly learning and practicing new behaviours (like how to have a disagreement without hurting and getting hurt)--teaching, talking and role-playing feature in this part of the work. Through talking about early family situations in the presence of your partner, you can heal old relational traumas that have been wrecking your partnership, and come closer together through compassion, And there is brinstorming to help you find inspiration that enlivens your relationship,
If this sounds like a journey you want to take, get in touch for a free 45-minute session, to see if we might like to work together.
Here are my ideas about working with couples, and here's a little about the stance that I work from.
First of all, it seems to me that if both people are willing, if the relationship is important to both people, there's practically nothing that can't be fixed.
If one person has lost interest in or commitment to the relationship, there's practically nothing the partner can do, and even less to be done in therapy. Then, couples' therapy may be a process of figuring out the least painful way to separate. It's damage control, and that can be supremely helpful, especially if children are involved.
In between those two situations is ambivalence. You may come to therapy with one or both of you wondering if you want this relationship anymore. In this case, the work is to investigate what's left that's good, what's wrong that may not be fixable, and whether you want to go on or not. On reaching that decision, you may move into a process of separating as healthily as possible, or into committing to work in therapy on your relationship for a specific period of time, to see what can be done to create the life you want together.
Traditional couples' therapy has ignored some extremely important social realities around gender and roles and justice, and because of that, many people have suffered. The form of couples' therapy I practice doesn't ignore the injustices built by social forms into our intimate relationships. Discussions of power in relationship are relevant. Standards of behaviour are high, and fairness and accountability count. And I take sides. I tell people, "At some point, the only thing you may be able to agree on is how pissed off you are with me."
On the other side, I also attend to ways both people have been let down; in childhood, in their learning of what it is to be an adult, in their experience of formative relationships and things that create lasting harm until they're appropriately addressed, like being bullied, scapegoated, or being the "perfect" child in their original family. We learn how to be in relationship from our early family life, and that can cause catastrophe when we try to bring it into our adult relationships.
In therapy, we discard old, unworkable ideas about relating and learn how to be in HEALTHY relationship to our partners. It is partly learning and practicing new behaviours (like how to have a disagreement without hurting and getting hurt)--teaching, talking and role-playing feature in this part of the work. Through talking about early family situations in the presence of your partner, you can heal old relational traumas that have been wrecking your partnership, and come closer together through compassion, And there is brinstorming to help you find inspiration that enlivens your relationship,
If this sounds like a journey you want to take, get in touch for a free 45-minute session, to see if we might like to work together.