Peaceful Warrior: How Knowing Your Vulnerability makes You Strong

Life is hard. But living from that notion makes it harder. Unfortunately, families, schools and workplaces try to prepare us for hard life  by making it hard when it doesn’t even have to be.
The fact is, much of what’s done to us that makes life hard is done by other people. And, once we’ve been thoroughly taught about life’s difficulty, we learn to do it to ourselves. We drive ourselves hard, don’t rest enough, feel guilty when we “do nothing”. Our society makes it a secular sin to be anything less than 100% “productive”, and in fact we all know we can’t even come close to that insane expectation. But we also believe that all around us, other people are more productive, always busy doing important things. They’re also smarter, faster and better-looking. We’re all, nearly every one of us, the loser in the room. That’s the mistaken notion that keeps people seeing the world as a war to be won, working as hard as we can at wrecking our lives, to be “successful”. So many people are ashamed because they think they’re not good enough. Anytime they feel threatened, they come out fighting, or run and hide, or both.
So we pretend to be strong and tough; that we don’t feel soft feelings. Anger and aggression scare off other people, so we think we’ll be safer. We pretend to be busy when we’re actually collapsed on the couch or hiding under the duvet, terrified of the next meeting, the grant proposal, the project we can’t imagine cramming into our already bursting schedules. Pretend we don’t need other people, even when we’re desperate for help and faced with things we really can’t do alone.
From our hiding place under the bed, we keep others far enough away so they can’t see that we’re pretending. But, because by nature we need belonging, we need care and affection and trust with others, we suffer when others stay away. We make life much, much harder than it really is.
The word ‘vulnerability’ means the potential to be wounded. The problem is, you can’t be close to people, you can’t get  belonging, care, affection and trust without showing your vulnerability. Everyone is vulnerable, but to get close to others, you have to show them your softer feelings, the places where you can be hurt. And if the world has hurt you quite a lot, that’s too  scary. Relationships become power struggles rather than what they should be: sources of comfort, support, nourishment.
If you’ve been taught (as most have) that vulnerability is a weakness, here’s a thought: it takes huge courage to be vulnerable in this hard life. It’s the same courage that lets us fight what’s wrong and be there for others who need us. Vulnerability and caring are deeply related. Courage and vulnerability go hand-in-hand: they are the hallmarks of good human beings and of effective leaders.
That’s what therapy is for. You learn what it feels like to be safe with someone else, to be honest and wounded and scared and human, with another human. Therapy helps you take off your mental armour and rest. In coming to understand our vulnerability and fear, oddly, we find ourselves with more courage. It’s a risk, being human, and it takes strength to admit when we’re scared, when we’ve been wrong, when we need help. That strength draws people near, inspires them and creates loyalty and trust. We risk being open in exchange for becoming close.
In my experience as a therapist and a client, the reward is worth the risk.