Calming and Claiming Yourself

One of the things we should be taught from early childhood and generally aren't taught at all, is how to calm ourselves down. Remarkable, isn't it? After all, from before the time we can speak, when we're just little adorable mewling packets of needs, we get upset. We're hungry, sleepy, wet--with good parenting, our needs are met, but even in the finest childhood, parents can't meet every need every time. Teething and colic, dropping an ice cream on the playground, fighting with other kids--to losing money in the stock market, arguing with a spouse and trying to work out why the baby is crying when we've tried simply everything--life is full of upsets.
The wellbeing world inundates us with advice about calming ourselves, and if we'd actually DO some of those things, we'd probably find ourselves calmer. Unfortunately, the rest of the world is deeply threatened by wellbeing priorities of people who are relatively content,--people steeped in good feelings, compassionate to themselves and others, and easy in their skins are notoriously hard to control. Calm, centred people are bad for an economy based on the ridiculous (and pervasive) notion of unlimited growth. They refuse to buy things they don't need; they don't care a fig for keeping up with the Jones, and instead of turning to shopping or dating apps when distressed, they do things that don't cost anything: look at the sea, breathe deeply and gently, sing a little song. 
I'm not much of a conspiracy theorist, but it's pretty clear that our current model of society rests on making and keeping lots of people uncomfortable and then selling them things. Buying something gives us a short hit of feel-good--very, very short. Then you've got to find something else to buy.
Or, you can learn that when life is trying to capsize your boat, there are simple, effective skills you can learn to stay afloat, regain your sense of ease and navigate to a safe shore. The hardest part is remembering that when the oatmeal hits the fan, to counter the panic or fury with these learnt skills. You have to learn them, and then learn when to apply them, and then practice applying them until they become natural alternatives to freaking out. There are loads of them, and some will work for you and some won't. Because you're an individual, with your own past, hangups and preferences. You may find that you need to modify a calming technique, that it works better for you in a different way. Fine! Do that. 
But if you're new to self-calming, peruse this list and try the strategies, find what works for you and incorporate them into your daily life. By that, I mean, practice them daily. You can use the little annoyances of life--not being able to screw the toothpaste cap back on evenly, or having a partner who won't do it at all--to start building your mental muscles for the big, awful stuff when it comes along. One thing's for certain--we don't have to go looking for troubles in life--they'll come right to the door, crawl in bed with us and keep us up all night with inane chatter and the sound of breaking glass. 
Ways to calm down.
1. Dr Rick Hanson points out that simply looking at the wall of the room you're in can help you access a feeling of stability. When something seems to be pulling the rug out from under your feet, looking at the wall, you remind yourself--"this wall is still standing. It's stable and it's not going anywhere. This, at this time, I can feel relatively certain about."
2. If you're outside, paying attention to a tree can be a calming and centering activity. Look at its height, the branches that shelter birds and protect the earth underneath from drying out in the sun. Consider the root system that may be as large as the part of the tree that's on top of the earth. The trunk that's strong and grounded, that you can run your hand along and feel its skin under your own. 
3. Inside, you can turn yourself into a tree. If something's happening that makes you feel shaky and unsure, put your feet on the ground, grab onto the ground by curling your toes (you don't have to take off your shoes, and no one at the meeting needs to know you're temporarily accessing your tree nature). Imagine roots growing from the bottom of your feet (or shoes), sinking deep into the earth, holding you straight and steady. 
4. Take a break. Sometimes, leaving a stressful situation for a few moments helps us re-orient, get a grip on unruly feelings and then return refueled and ready to re-engage. Getting a glass of water can be a big help--enjoying the coolness of the liquid and the reminder that you're a human being doing what human beings have always done. Getting someone else a glass of water can provide another reason to leave a room when it starts feeling way, way too small, and brings some good feelings into the space. 
5. Everyone and her sister will tell you that one way to calm down is to breathe. That's because, for many many people, conscious breathing is the most immediately effective way to feel better when we're under stress. There are lots of breathing techniques, and some may not help you much, but others can. My personal favourite is to inhale slowly and deeply, feeling my rib cage and stomach expand, breathe out more slowly, so that the exhale takes longer than the inhale, then when the air is gone, just wait a beat or two before inhaling again, feeling the stomach widen with the new incoming air. Practice with different breathing styles until you find your go-to. Notice I said "practice": the more practice you get with calming strategies, the more likely they are to work easily when you need them.
6. Have a cuddle. There's nothing like a safe, secure touch to make us feel safe and secure, even loved. If there's someone around you like to hug, ask for a hug and stay there for at least a count of ten. It doesn't have to be a human, either: you can cuddle your dog, cat, marmot, even a teddy bear. Putting on a fluffy robe can feel like a warm hug. There are lots of ways to access our inner child, the one who wants holding and closeness.
 In a pinch, even hugging yourself can feel really good. You might prefer it, especially if hugging wasn't a thing in your family, or if people haven't touched you respectfully in the past.  Try this: Wrap your arms around yourself, drop your head like a bird with its head under a wing, and go into what online Yoga teacher Adriene calls your "love cave". Stay there a minute to calm down and get over the feeling that it's silly to hug yourself (which we've been taught and need to unlearn!). Then, stay there another minute to enjoy the feeling of being contained, held safe in your own arms. 
7. Singing and humming do wonderful things for our nervous systems. Harmonising with other people is one way to feel connected and even blissful. Singing with your favourite singers, humming as you work, surrounding yourself with music you love can soothe and calm jaded nerves. Sing to your children, to your mate, to your pets. Join a choir. Consider playing calming music when you're cooking, bathing, resting.

When you take the time and make the effort to calm yourself down, you're also building your self- concept as someone worth protecting. Many people didn't learn their worth in childhood--too often they weren't protected, cuddled or sung to. We grow up thinking we're not worth the time it takes to make ourselves feel less agitated--or even that we're not supposed to feel calm and content. Practicing self-calming not only teaches us how to return to a calm state when something has unsettled us; it also helps embed those feelings in a longer-term way in our bodies and brains. Imagine if, in a general sense, you always felt more stable, more easy, less ragged and fraught. Less likely to be upset and more likely to recover quickly when upsetting things happen.  Practicing calming strategies even for a minute at a time can help build a solid core of calm that remains fairly unshakeable, whatever life throws your way.