The Whys, Hows and Wherefors of Self Compassion

A "normal" problem...that makes us miserable

One very common issue in psychotherapy is that people don't know how to treat themselves with kindness--and even believe it would be a bad thing to try. It's one of the things about being human that's both terrible and normal! As in, being unkind to ourselves deeply affects how happy and healthy we are, and still, lots of people say awful things to themselves and go around feeling like they're "bad", when really they're quite lovely people who try to do what's right, want good things, are kind to others, and deserve affection and sweetness in their lives (yes, I'm talking about YOU!)
Why do we do it?
As children, if someone isn't kind to us, we have an inbuilt tendency to believe it's our fault. Historically, therapists have thought that it's somehow easier to believe there's something wrong with me than to think there's something wrong with, for example, my parents or my teachers. Rather than saying, "What's wrong with my parents that they can't be nice to me?", as children, we automatically think, "I must not be very nice, or my parents would be nice to me." And in families that really don't work well, other family members may actually say, "I'm mean to you because you deserve it." Children believe what they're told by adults, and grow up believing that they don't deserve good things from other people. Or from themselves. That's a very lonely place to live. 
In counselling, we can unpick the complicated stories of early family injustice, and help people rewrite a better future. Part of that unpicking is helping clients find their truth, their reality. And part of that is recognising that the bad things that happened in childhood were things we couldn't control. Little kids' behaviour isn't the reason parents drink, or get divorced, or ignore their kids or hit them. Adults are the ones with the power, and the ones responsible for creating the family. Little children don't have that power. Bad parents aren't necessarily bad people, though: parenting is a combination of good intentions and good skills. Parents can love their children and make them miserable—especially if their own parents weren't skillful. And some parents are so damaged by their own upbringing that they can't really love anyone. That's a tragedy—and it's also, sadly, very "normal". 
Weirdly, this thing that's supposed to be utterly "natural", having babies and raising them, requires skills—actual learning! It also requires mountains of patience. We spend more time and money learning to drive than we do learning about how to parent children. Good parenting comes "naturally" to very few people, but there are also very few places that teach people how to make a happy, healthy family.
Sometimes, people feel that a bad childhood means having a crummy life forever, but that's not true: as adults, we can take control and learn to give things to ourselves that we missed out on as children. Like learning what love is supposed to feel like, supposed to look and sound like. One way we do that is by learning to be kind to ourselves. It's called self-compassion, and it's an important part of being okay. And like parenting, it doesn't necessarily come "naturally": most people have to learn what it is, what it's good for, and then how to do it. You have to practice it, and if you're not already in the habit of self-compassion, it feels very strange at first, even "wrong". 
People are often taught they're not allowed to make themselves feel good—that it's only supposed to come from other people. The sad thing is, if you don't think you deserve to feel good, even when you get a compliment, instead of enjoying it, it might make you cringe. Learning self-compassion helps you begin to accept kindness from other people, and eventually, find it a joyful, sustaining part of life.
 Sometimes, I've asked people, "How do you take care of yourself?" and they tell me they get a regular manicure. Nail care may feel like a treat, but taking care of yourself runs alot deeper. It means knowing when you're hurting and being able to figure out why, and then giving yourself some affection, taking some action to remedy the hurt. It's a process.
 If you haven't learned how to be kind to yourself, even knowing when you're hurting and why can be mysterious. In therapy, we talk over the stories of life, what hurts and what kind of hurt that is (is it sadness, anger, guilt, shame?) Compassionate responses to pain may come from your counsellor, and there may be suggestions about things you can do to be compassionate to yourself. Sometimes, it's as simple as allowing yourself to rest when you're tired, to stop for a glass of water when you're thirsty. 
Self-compassion can also look like taking action, standing up for yourself when someone's trying to push you around. There are practices that involve literally putting your arms around yourself, feeling your breath move in and out, calming yourself down like you would hold a baby. Imagining how you might speak to someone who's being unpleasant to you, or even making a plan in advance about how you might exit an unpleasant situation—these are all ways of protecting and sustaining yourself.
   Modern neuropsychology has identified that, in general, our brains tend to be negative, because it was the ones who expected the sabre-toothed tiger who remained alert and alive—being too laid-back could get you eaten. So, our brains have a "negativity bias" left over from a hundred thousand years ago. What once kept us from being tiger-food now causes us stress that works against us. We have to learn to calm that stress down, and also how to rewire our brains to be more positive. Neuroscience shows that practicing kindness changes the way our brains work, so that it becomes easier over time to be calmer, less stressed, more stable, happier. We can use our minds to change our brains, which then positively affects—our minds!
Does self-compassion make people selfish?
There's a big difference between being selfish and having self-compassion. Selfishness works against other people: self-compassion works on behalf of everyone. Envy has been described as someone not wanting others to have what they can't have. It's when we're deprived, when our needs aren't being met, that we feel snappish, resentful and jealous. If you can give yourself compassion, you're much more likely to be able to find kindness in yourself for other people. So, practicing self-compassion  not only raises up the person practicing it, but exerts a positive effect on the people who interact with that person.  In the same way that, on airplanes, they say in an emergency, put on your mask before trying to help others, taking care of your own emotional needs makes you more likely to be more patient with others. 
You can learn about self-compassion for free. Below is a link to a test to see where you're at in self-compassion, and if you go to the menu on the same website, under Practice, you'll find guided meditations and practices ranging from a couple of minutes to a half-hour or more. The key to practicing is to do it more than once! Spend a few minutes a day trying out various self-compassion techniques and see how it feels to be kind to yourself. Learn what it feels like to hold yoursef in high regard--without having to become famous, make a load of money or have a fabulous body. Go inside and see the beautiful, unique self that's already there, and that deeply needs your attentive care.
If you're fighting the old voice inside that says you should be spending your times in other ways, remember, it's  not only for yourself, but for everyone in your life—partners, children, parents, workmates, the community at large. Most people react to kindness by being kinder to others--it spreads like ripples in a pool. If everyone became a little bit kinder, the whole world could feel the change. If it's feeling important to you that the world become a kinder place, but you don't know what to do about it, just do you--that's enough. To quote Mahatma Gandhi you can, 'Be the change you want to see in the world'. 


https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-test/